RANTINGS

TESTING WINE WRITERS
A web site from Great Britain that's often rather entertaining has an article suggesting those who are "professional" (that term is certainly subject for debate, no?) wine writers be "tested". Credibility is, after all, important.

"Yes, some might fail the test, but at least they’d then realise that wine writing is not likely to prove the most beneficial application of their talents." writes Wine Anorak publisher Jamie Goode.

Establishing some sort of credibility is probably a good idea for wine writers or any journalist. Since he writes rather interesting articles about wine, one might expect him to spell the names of various wines correctly. In this article, Goode botches his own credibility with his misspelling the name of the famous French white Burgundy as "Mersault" instead of the correct spelling "Meursault."

Twice.

WHO WANTS TO BE THE GOVERNOR?

If you live in California, you know we're in serious financial straits. If you live outside of California, you probably think the whole state is goofy (look at what we pay for housing, or Cabernet Sauvignon, for that matter!).

With more than 100 people running for governor (and thousands running from The Golden State), we were amused to receive the month missive from Barrel-Broker-to-The-Stars, Mel Knox.
Here are his musings:

When I learned that Arnold’s favorite wine was Grüner Veltliner, which he mostly drinks during special ‘workouts’ at the gym, I decided to throw my hat in the ring.
Unless Indian Bingo-and-Barbera nights become big, Cruz Bustamente is just no help. Vin Gris Davis only drinks broccoli wine while he’s on his treadmill.
The California wine industry needs somebody at the helm of our great state whose only special interest lies in making sure that our wine industry is strong and healthy.

Here is my platform:

1. Wine stamps: We have seen how successful food stamps have been. When poor people start comparing vintages, we’ll be on the road to recovery.

My opponents complain that these stamps will only be redeemable by people who buy barrels from me, but I ask you: would the people of our state be free of terroirism if they were forced to drink inferior products??

The people deserve the best. Our federal government spends $4,000 per American to support cotton, tobacco, peanuts etc. but not one damned penny for the fine wine producers of our country.

2. Invade Oregon and Washington . I have secret proof that these people have WMDs (Wines of Mass Delight). Allegations that we are really after their water are ridiculous and un-patriotic.

3. Mandatory barrel ageing for all liquids where words relating to wood are used. Budweiser would be aged in real beech tanks. Any root beer company (or real beer company for that matter) talking about ‘barrels’ or ‘casks’ would have to sit down with Duane Wall.

4. Educational reform. Many young people finish high school and even college without learning anything about barrels. Tests reveal that our young people don’t understand the relationship between toasting and air-drying or even the different species of oak used to make barrels.

For example, how many of our young people can answer the following questions?

True or False: The longer oak staves are dried, the less toasty the wine will taste, even though the toasting regimen is the same??
True or False: Oak forests in Hungary and other Eastern European countries contain the same species of oak as in France ?

This is a ‘match the person with the forest’ question. For example, when Didier Dagueneau races his sled dogs near his house, they (the dogs, maybe Didier as well) provide nutrients to the Bertranges forest. So if I asked you to match forest to person, Didier would match up with Bertranges. Match the closest forest to one of the homes of the following:

Forest : Person:

Mark Twain State Forest Jacques Chirac

Citeaux Leroy McGinnis

Fontainebleau Max Gigandet

Darnay Andre Ostertag

Chize Henry Work

RL Stevenson Veronique Laidet

Sarthe Gerard Depardieu

Arnold calls himself the ‘Austrian oak’ but which of the following countries have more cubic meters of standing inventory of oak than Austria:
A) Hungary
B) Poland
C) Bulgaria
D) Turkey
E) All of them??
F) Who knows?

5. This is a ‘you’re the winemaker’ quiz.
For example, if your barrels are two quarts low, what would you do??
A) Start a solera and make sherry
B) Complain to the guy who sold the barrels to you that the barrels leak
C) Top up
D) Answer is all of the above.)

5A: You have more wine than you planned for and need new barrels. You have the choice of:
A) Reordering three year air dried Francois-Hungary Bordeaux barrels in stock
B) Waiting one month for new Francois Frères barrels
C) Wait until late December for new Taransaud barrels
D) Phone our office and see what might be available.
E) All of the above.

Remember, whenever and wherever fine elections are held, vote for Mel Knox early and often.

BARBING THOSE WHO WRITE ABOUT WINE
A curiously creative web site was suggested to us and we had a look. It's written by a fellow named Dean Allen who's ensconced somewhere in the South of France.
His musings are amusing and he may have a future writing a wine tasting note book.
Here are some tasting notes he's posed on his site:

Chateau Lerys 1996
Fitou

Po-faced and a bit snide at first, it picks up slow speed before gallumphing to a springy sunlight-on-hot-chrome apex, then splitting into rusty metal ringlets that roll and roll and gradually wobble off like the discounted hula hoops in The Hudsucker Proxy. Dominant notes of aspirin and cake.

Chateau Tour Boisée 2000
Minervois

Two fingers in the nostrils and a gentle tug, followed by a nuzzle at the nape of the neck and that short-lived tinnitus that seems like it’s going to be a major pain or perhaps the first symptom of a ghastly disease but is always gone by the time you remember it was there. Moonglow and snowfights, more tinnitus, a pronounced barnyard sing-along before everything goes to hell and you’re left with a big creamy mess like a priest mopping up after a wank.

Cuvée Sextant 1998
Corbières

Monolithic, fearless, even rude; it goes to eleven. Pencil shavings and patchouli compete with Mister Kleen and those socks there piled up in the corner. There’s sweetness later on, much flowers and making up, and somewhere mid-swallow there’s a perceptible tong sound which rings on for several minutes. Subtle overtones of toothpaste, orange juice, coffee and bacon.

Moulin de Ciffre Éole 2000
Faugères

Not bad, not bad at all.

Happily, Monsieur Allen has refrained from placing numerical scores in conjunction with his reviews!

http://www.textism.com/

IN VINO VERITAS, OR WHAT ???
A new wine publication came our way claiming it "has the answers" to finding "the world's healthiest wines."

Wines are "evaluated" on a 100 point scoring system, just like many other publications touting this wine or that. But these people don't seem to put wine in a glass and taste it to come up with an assessment! They, apparently, put the wine under a microscope and analyze its component parts.

If you're curious to know how much Manganese, Potassium or Zinc are in wines such as Glen Ellen Chardonnay, Mondavi's Woodbridge Chardonnay, Bolla Soave or Clos du Bois Merlot, this newsletter is for you!

Wines, apparently, are given more "credit" if they're low in acidity, so Mondavi's Woodbridge Chardonnay is the top ranked white wine, a product most connoisseurs find "flat" and "flabby."

I'm no chemist and have not a clue as to the alcohol content of various wines, but this publication contends that almost every wine analyzed is seriously mislabeled as to its alcohol content. Wineries are given a leeway of 1.5% (there's a higher tax on wines above 14%). So, a wine labeled 12.5% can be as high as 13.99% or as low as 11%. According to Truth In Wine's analyses, virtually every wine they tested is more than 1.5% below the alcohol level stated on the label.

This is difficult to believe! I'd be shocked if Rodney Strong, BV Coastal or Beringer Founder's Reserve Cabernet Sauvignons were the feeble 10.5% alcohol as this publication claims.    Rodney Strong's web site has its 2000 vintage of Cabernet, the one these people have analyzed, as being 13.8% alcohol.
An enologist for Rodney Strong confirmed the alcohol level as being 13.8% and was quite perplexed as to how these people could have come up with such a radically different result.

Clos du Bois' 2000 Merlot, pegged as 10.8% alcohol by the Truth in Wine folks, weighs in at 13.8% alcohol by the Clos du Bois lab crew.

We queried the Truth in Wine folks and received a response indicating their lack of a grasp of California wine production (not to mention poor spelling):

I was as surprized as you were about the actual alcohol content. I didn't even request it from the lab, but they had to test for it as part of the process for other tests. Here is my theory: Rodney Strong and CDB probably did pick their own grapes at the correct brix, but one of their main concerns for these large production items is only to stay under 14%, so they will stop fermentation before it reaches 14%. Additonally, these items are both now over 400,000 cases in total production. Such a large production requires purchased fruit from areas outside of the North Coast, and potentially lower alcohol. And the records they keep show only one thing, the brix at harvest for their own grapes, which is where they get their alcohol percentage for the label.

So...the Truth in Wine crew believes these wineries "stop" the fermentation to keep the wines below 14% alcohol, yet their own statistics show these wines as being dry! If they stopped the fermentation, of course, the wines would have some level of residual sugar.

Further, they automatically expect wines of great quantity are always blended with fruit from other areas and that these other areas, for some reason, will provide wines of lower alcohol levels.

Gina Dallara, production manager at Rodney Strong told us: "We test our alcohol level at bottling, and also send out a sample to an independent lab for testing before we decide what to put on the label. We are subject to random audit by the BATF and must be correct within 1.5%. It certainly is in our own best interests to correctly state the alcohol levels."

The publication claims almost all the wines it's evaluated are rather dry. Glen Ellen Chardonnay is reportedly but 5 grams of sugar per liter, "dry" to most palates. Kendall Jackson's Vintner's Reserve is said to be only 6 grams of sugar per liter.  A former Glen Ellen staffer told us the Chardonnay is routinely "well above" the sugar level "Truth in Wine" has published.

If you want to "learn" more about wine, the publication comes with a handy glossary.

Tartaric acid, for example, is described as "added by winemakers to balance the excess of sugar." This would, then, ignore the high level of tartaric acidity found NATURALLY in grapes. And, might a winemaker add tartaric acid to a wine that is not sweet, as well???

Chardonnay is described as "white wine made from a white grape originally from Burgundy, France, used in making Champagne, white burgundy and Chablis." That about sums it up nicely, no??

I, for one, had never been curious about which wine offers the greatest amount of Zinc, but now I know our shop is missing out by not carrying Kendall Jackson's Vintner's Reserve Chardonnay. Further, we're going to have to send potential customers down the street if they're looking for the top scoring wine with Potassium, BV's Coastal Cabernet. Happily, though, we can kill two birds with one stone: Rosemount's Shiraz is the top scoring wine for both Sodium and Magnesium!

I, frankly, am more interested in how a wine tastes!

TWO BUCK CHUCK AT A PREMIUM
I've been amused as I surf the 'Net and come upon web sites which allow wines to be sold on an "auction" basis.
Are people so lame they can't find some Gallo product such as Turning Leaf in some neighborhood store?

Even more amusing was a web page on a site called "winebid.com" which features a mixed case of a Franzia product known in the media as "Two Buck Chuck," a Central Valley set of wines sold by Trader Joe's (not exactly what you'd call a 'fine wine merchant') for all of $1.99. The sale of this plonk (and that's being polite!) has been picked up by every media outlet as a news story (shame on those who call themselves "journalists").

Some enterprising soul has placed a mixed case on this web site and, when I last checked, the top big was from Missy of Ohio at $40 (plus shipping, which might be more than the wine).

SAMMY JUST SAYS "NO" TO CORK
After having his broken bat found to be "corked," famous Chicago Cubs baseball player Sammy Sosa is rumored to have phoned Bonny Doon Vineyard winery owner Randall Grahm.

We imagine the two spoke for several minutes, Randall going on about micro-oxygenation of tannic red wines and the virtues of Riesling, while Mr. Sosa probably asked about the virtues of eschewing cork, since Bonny Doon is offering so many screw-capped bottles.

Meanwhile, fans in Chicago and environs are asking Sammy to "say it ain't Sosa."

WINE TASTING TOUR

A local travel agency and wine emporium placed an ad in one of the various "newspapers" promoting an upcoming event.

They're having a "fun filled evening of Australian wines and learning about our exciting wine/culinary tour in September 2003."

There are four wine bottles in the ad, each with the label depicted here.

That would be Argentina's Catena Winery.
Well, both countries start with the letter "A," at least. And they in the same hemisphere and located on the same planet.

WINE WRITING IN UTAH

I was amused seeing a wine column in the "Salt Lake City Weekly".
A recent column by wine writer Ted Scheffler features some interesting nuggets of information:

In discussing wines you can "bank on" being good, simply by winemaker we learn:
"...wines that I know will be superb before I ever open the bottle: “money-in-the-bank” wines. I can think of only a handful of winemakers in whom I have that kind of faith and trust. Helen Turley. Bonny Doon’s Randall Graham. Susie Selby. Maybe a few others."
Okay, so he misspells Randall's last name, but he's including Susie Selby on this list? Is there something in the water in Utah?

Describing Chuck Wagner's "Mer Soleil" Chardonnay, Mr. Scheffler writes:
"Mer Soleil is to California Chard what Skippy’s is to peanut butter.."
Not being a peanut butter aficionado, I'm afraid this requires some translation.

As they approached the main course, lamb, another red wine was required. Mr. Scheffler writes:
"But hey, lamb and Cabernet go together like Michael Jackson and young boys. So why not open a bottle of Caymus Special Selection Cabernet Sauvignon 1999?"
While I like the Cabernets of Caymus, I'm afraid this simile is not, at all, attractive to me.

As I seem to be saying with increasing frequency:
YIKES!

WHAT'S THIS GOT TO DO WITH WINE?
T

he April 2003 issue of Gourmet magazine has a feature article on California winemaker Paul Hobbs. I shared this article with my two colleagues and they both had the same reaction: "Stop! I don't need to know all this personal stuff about a winemaker!"

We learn of Hobbs' involvement in making wines in Argentina, as one of his ex-wives lives there with their 8 year old daughter (whom we learn "knows the difference between Cabernet and Carmenère). The ex-wife is "...a woman of reckless beauty who drives with more passion than attention and whose car appears to have scraped every wall in Mendoza."

Now there's some quality information!

We also learn that the 49 year old Hobbs "...clearly has a way with women....he is currently dating someone half his age." Writer Jim Nelson describes Hobbs' residence in Healdsburg as "a perfect Napa bachelor pad." (Healdsburg, by the way, is not in Napa, but Sonoma!)

The Gourmet article asserts Hobbs has a "freakishly sensitive palate" and that he can tell you what's wrong or right with a wine "in seconds flat." Argentine winemaker Nicolas Catena, with whom Hobbs has consulted, says Hobbs described the wines of the region "as tired wines...And he was right in that our wines were extremely oxidized, something like Sherry."

Wow. That's impressive!

Mr. Nelson writes of the hardships in winemaking in Argentina.
1). "Thieves routinely steal the phone lines for scrap metal."
2). "There's an endless stream of bureaucratic red tape."
3). "The weather."

We don't learn very much about the wines Hobbs makes, other than they're praised to high heaven (and, in my opinion, priced even higher!).

And I left out the part about the family leaving the homestead in New York and moving to Mexico because of the poor economy (how's that for a twist??)...

OPEN THIS END OF THE BOX
I heard from someone in France who was amused to see the sommelier of a restaurant had added a new "appellation" to the wine list.

It seems this fellow had received a case of wine and on the top of the box is was labeled "CÔTÉ À OUVRIR." So the wine maven immediately amended the wine list to have the Côté à Ouvrir appellation.

Apparently the sommelier was not much of a French speaker, since Côté à Ouvrir means something like "Side (of the box) to Open" and has not much to do with the Côte de Beaune or Côte-Rôtie, for example.

WALL STREET JOURNAL'S "CASE FOR COLLECTING WINE"
I

n an article advising readers of how to put together a dozen bottles of wine for "collecting" purposes, the Wall Street Journal offers some curious advice. In a March 7, 2003 article on wine, authors Dorothy J. Gaiter and John Brecher have some suggestions most wine savvy amateurs would not have thought of!

I, for one, would not suggest Bogle's Chardonnay in the first place, so I can't say I would recommend it for cellaring purposes, either. The wine has very little character and is not going to blossom or improve with aging.

While France's Macon region may turn out some terrific wines, the idea of cellaring bottles of Laboure-Roi or Louis Jadot "Macon-Villages", about as "empty" a couple of wines as you can find from Burgundy, is not advice I would pass on to a customer I'm hoping to keep coming back to the shop!

In suggesting American Syrah wines, the WSJ writers spotlight Turnbull, Robert Craig and Qupé. But Turnbull and Craig have very little "history" in producing Syrah wines, while Qupé (at least) HAS been making Syrah for many years as it's winemaker Bob Lindquist's specialty. Readers are further advised, regarding Syrah wines: "don't be choosy." Now that's some silly advice! Does the Wall Street Journal have the same philosophy with respect to the stock market or other investments???

In suggesting Sauternes, readers are advised to lay down a half bottle "not just because it gets better, but because it gets darker and even more beautiful in the clear bottle."

They take a back-handed swipe at Pinot Grigio wines, saying most "should have been drunk yesterday." And readers are urged to buy an "inexpensive 2000 Bordeaux...You could get lucky, finding these taste much more expensive later."

GERMANY'S 2001 VINTAGE HYPE

The Wine Spectator has news for Germany's top wine critics: 2001 is "the best vintage since 1971" and they're rating the vintage as a "98" on their 100 point scale.

In their March 31st, 2003 edition, The Wine Spectator offers a vintage chart from 1985 through 2001. Apparently, no wine was made in Germany in the year 2000, as it does not appear on this chart.

While 2001 is certainly a very good year for many wine regions and many top vintners made some exceptional wines, I have been impressed by the campaign to promote the 2001 vintage from Germany. In my visits around Germany, most winemakers say it is a very fine year, but there is not the same level of salesmanship going on there as here in the United States. I've asked our German friends, avid consumers of the local products, about 2001 and they report there is not the same level of publicity for the vintage in their backyard.

We have tasted many really terrific wines from 2001, so I don't mean to denigrate the wines. But I do wish to point out there are many really excellent years to choose from. At a large tasting of 2001s, I can tell you the vintage date on the label is not a guarantee of quality!

Further, here are the ratings from Germany's annual wine guide by Armin Diel and Joel Payne: They use a 5 "grape bunch" (we'll call them stars for simplicity) system.

Several points to be made:

1. There is not a shortage of really good German wines on the market.

2. Keep in mind that Germany, like France, Italy, California and many other wine producing states or countries are often too large to have a single rating to assess the qualities of a particular vintage.  Any wine "expert" will differentiate between Bordeaux and Burgundy vintages. How can these so-called experts offer one rating to the entire country???

3. Weimax staffer Bob Gorman points out "A vintage chart is helpful if you're buying wines someplace where nobody can guide you to a good wine. It's merely a probability rating, giving you a better chance of hurling a dart in the dark and hitting somewhere close to a bull's eye."

4. Many top winemakers, these days, have higher standards for various quality levels than the legal requirements mandate. So, for example, today we have more producers using Spätlese quality fruit and bottling the wine as a Kabinett, while using grapes of Auslese ripeness for their Spätlese wines. Doesn't this negate the vintage chart, to some extent, as cause tasters to put more emphasis on who makes the wine, rather than what year it's from?

5. So far, 2001 is the "Vintage of The Century," challenged only by the 2002's (which many producers regard as the superior vintage).

THE REGION	2001 RATING in the Gault Millau WeinGuide Deutschland 2003 Edition 1 to 5 star scale	OTHER RECENT VINTAGE RATINGS
AHR	5 stars	1999 & 1997 are 5 star vintages.
BADEN	4 stars	1993, 1996 & 1997 are 4 star vintages. They do not have a 5 star vintage since 1992.
FRANKEN	3 stars	2000, much maligned, is a 4 star vintage, as are 1992, 1994 & 1997.
MOSEL-SAAR-RUWER	4 stars	1994 is the only 5 star vintage, with 1992 through 2001 being 4 star years, with 2000 ranking as a 3 star vintage.
NAHE	4 stars	1993 is rated more highly, a 5 star vintage. 1994, 1995, 1996 and 1998 are 4 star vintages.
PFALZ	4 stars	1998 is rated as a 5 star vintage, with 4 stars being awarded to 1992, 1993, 1994, 1996 and 1997.
RHEINGAU	4 stars	1993 is a 5 star vintage, with 4 stars awarded to 1992, 1994, 1995, 1996 and 1999.
RHEINHESSEN	3 stars	Best vintages are the 4-starred 1998, 1996 and 1993 vintages
SAALE-UNSTRUT	2 stars	Best vintages are the 3 starred 2000, 1994 and 1992 vintages.
SACHSEN	2 stars	Best vintages are the three-starred 1999, 1998, 1994 and 1992 vintages
WÜRTTEMBERG	4 stars	Both 1997 and 1993 are 4 star years.

BANNING FRENCH WINES ??
Maybe you find it somewhat amusing (or ironic) that a number of local and federal legislators are proposing resolutions (or stronger measures) to ban wines produced in France.
Angered by France's opposition toward America's foreign policies, a number of legislators are suggesting the U.S. impose trade sanctions on French wines.
Interestingly, these trial balloons are being floated by Republicans who often proclaim there is too much government intervention in private life.

That being their platform, perhaps these legislators ought to let consumers decide for themselves whether or not to buy French wines.

THE NEXT NAPPA?

The CBS TV station in Des Moines, Iowa covers, like most metropolitan news outlets, "local news." In posting a story it carried on the air waves, the station reported in late December, 2002, news of a possible "Iowa Wine Trail." In posting this story on its web site, the headline is:

Iowa Could Be Next Nappa Valley

15 Wineries Are Now Operating In Iowa

POSTED: 6:03 p.m. CST December 30, 2002

UPDATED: 6:04 p.m. CST December 30, 2002

Maybe people in the Napa Valley are spelling the name of The Hawkeye State as "Iowwa"?

What better place to make wine? After all, the State Flower is the "Wild Rose" and the State Tree is the "Oak."

As for KCCI's website spell-checker: He or she must have been "napping."

SF CHRONICLE'S NEW "WINE" SECTION
The San Francisco Chronicle has been tooting its horn regarding a "new" weekly section of the newspaper. This is done, quite obviously, in hopes of stimulating more advertising revenue.

On one hand, it's nice to see more editorial space devoted to wine. On the other hand, isn't it a shame that "Wine" and "Food" (published on Wednesdays, a day before the wine section) don't "go together"?

"THE PERFECT COMPANIONS" -- WINE & FOOD PAIRINGS FROM WINE GURU ANDREA IMMER
I'm all for educating the American public to the joys of wine. In our shop we typically ask several questions of our customers in the course of making a wine recommendation. This helps us better match the wine to the customer's taste and to the particular food being served.

I noticed the department store called Target is getting into the wine business. They hired Master Sommelier Andrea Immer to help take the mystery out of wine.

One of my cohorts in the Vino Fino Wine-Tasting Group, John McGlothlin, sent me a mailer from Target, pointing out that at our tastings, we have little in the way of palate cleansers.

Ms. Immer offers the following suggestions as "The Perfect Companions":

CHOCOLATE & SHIRAZ
"Think of chocolate-dipped berries and you'll understand the appeal of this luscious match. Try Fetzer Valley Oaks Shiraz with Dove Dark Chocolate Promises."

POPCORN & CHARDONNAY
Buttery, toasty popcorn loves the buttery, toasty taste of Chardonnay with a kiss of tropical fruit flavors. Pair Orville Redenbacher's Butter Gourmet Popping Corn with Gallo of Sonoma Chardonnay."

SALTED NUTS & PINOT GRIGIO
The racy refreshment of Pinot Grigio is the perfect complement to a nutty, crunchy, salty snack. Planter's Deluxe Mixed Nuts and Ecco Domani Pinot Grigio are terrific together.

CORN CHIPS & SAUVIGNON BLANC
Sauvignon Blanc tastes like a fresh squeeze of lime--delicious with the toasted corn crunch of chips. Tostitos Tortilla Chips are great with Kendall-Jackson Vintner's Reserve Sauvignon Blanc.

I don't make this stuff up!
John McGlothlin suggests we "hold the Champagne & Oysters" that have been a customary pairing at our holiday wine-tasting dinner. He, apparently, likes the Tostitos and Sauvignon Blanc marriage.

JOE BOB TASTES WINE!
Syndicated writer Joe Bob Briggs asks in an October 11th, 2002 column when did Italians start charging $225 for a bottle of wine?

Joe Bob doesn't blame The Wine Advocate, Robert Parker, for all of the inflated pricing of these wines, but he does get his licks in:

"The only problem was that, as soon as Parker came out with a recommendation, a little cardboard sign would go up in the liquor store: "A 93 From Parker!" And the price would immediately go up 20 bucks. I hate Robert Parker. He needs to shut up."

Joe Bob continues his ranting:

"The Bricco selection is made with near super-ripe fruit from one of the finest vineyards in Treiso. Its still-developing aromas disclose sweet notes of jam and tobacco with just the right hint of toasty oak. The palate is still tannic but already presents admirable balance. This is a bottle that will keep winelovers smiling for many years to come."

Well, it won't have ME smiling for years to come, because you just made the price go up 30 bucks by telling people it tastes like jam and tobacco. One thing I know about wine snobs is that they'll drink ANYTHING that sounds like ingredients that would make you instantly puke under real-life conditions.

Offer somebody tobacco-flavored jam and he'll think you're an idiot, but offer the same guy a wine that has "sweet notes of jam and tobacco," and he'll say: "Gimme one case for the cabinet and one for the cellar."

I know guys who get orgasmic over wine that tastes like "fresh-mown hay," so the ideal wine flavor would be something like drilling mud with rat-dropping highlights and a cat's-breath aftertaste."

We've never seen that description on the back label of a wine bottle, but we have a feeling we've tasted that particular offering!

Here's a link to Mr. Briggs' column:
http://www.upi.com/view.cfm?StoryID=20021011-042143-5365r

RESTAURANT ROBBERY
The Los Angeles Times' writer David Shaw produced an article for their October 16th edition of the newspaper asking this question:
WHAT IS THIS, A WINE LIST OR A STICKUP?

Shaw tells a sommelier "I've found a lot (of wines) I like but nothing I can afford. Given these confiscatory prices, you should be carrying a gun instead of that tastevin."

Having purchased a Sancerre for $16.99 the previous day, Shaw was shocked to see the same identical wine on the wine list for $65.

"That's not a reasonable profit. That's highway robbery. Or as Alan Greenspan would put it, 'infectious greed.' "

One nearby dining establishment asks $45 for a wine they paid $10. A $38 offering on their list cost them six bucks! I'll order a beer instead, thanks very much!

QUALIFICATIONS FOR BEING A WINERY REP
A fellow from a sizeable Napa winery arrived the other day to show his wines. We tasted a watery, light, thin Sauvignon Blanc (they have the nerve to charge consumers $15+ for the privilege).

I sarcastically inquired as to whether their vineyard sources were producing 10 or 15 tons per acre. The fellow said their winemaker was quality-oriented, "...so I'd say it's probably closer to ten tons per acre rather than 15."

The statistical average for Sauvignon Blanc in Napa is five tons per acre. Not that the ten tons response is out of the realm of possibility.

In any case, it's apparent that the main qualifications for being a winery rep is having the strength to carry a shoulder bag full of sample bottles and the ability to operate a corkscrew.

DIPLOMACY & CUSTOMER SERVICE
A fellow brought a bottle of wine for me to taste. He'd purchased it elsewhere and bought a whole case. He opened three bottles and wrote a letter to the producer saying:
"...I found them all cloudy, full of sediment and had to resort to straining it before attempting to drink it. This is not my idea of enjoying a glass of wine...Enclosed is a bottle from the case for you to examine. I would appreciate hearing from you on how you plan to resolve this case of bad wine."

The winery proprietor wrote back, saying they had received the bottle and stood it upright:
"...and the sediment fell to the bottom of the bottle within 24 hours as it should. The wine is clear as checked with a flashlight. I can only assume one of two things, either you are trying to extort something from me or you truly don't have a clue about wine."

Gee, that's rather curious customer service, isn't it?

The letter goes on to explain about the process of decanting and concludes with this:
"You may be one of those people that wants instant gratification and in that case I suggest that you drink wines that are only one or two years old or are mass produced like Beringer. As a rule they strip their wines pretty heavy so you probably won't get sediment right away..."

I wonder what the Beringer people think of this winemaker's, uh, recommendation of their products?
Oh...we tasted this bottle and found it to be a bit gassy and rather sharp on the tongue. The flavors were more like tart grapefruit or orange juice than Pinot Noir. I don't think a Burgundian vintner (of quality wine) would be especially proud of this stuff.

"A SEASONED WINE PRO OFFERS LESSONS" ON SELLING WINE IN A RESTAURANT

A restaurant wine consultant offers some tips to restaurateurs geared towards "looking good to both our guests and controllers."

Randal Caparoso contends that selling wine in a restaurant at a lower mark-up to create sales "is a myth, plain and simple."    He writes in "Santé" magazine, a publication geared towards "restaurant professionals," that you "cannot entice customers to spend more money by lowering the price of your higher quality wines."
I don't know about you (how could I?), but I will buy a more costly bottle of wine if it's fairly priced and I avoid over-priced "budget" bottles on wine lists.

Now suppose this fellow was working for you and you read this?
"It is not good to upsell...So what if extra wine sales increase your averga e cover from $35 to $55. Is this what you want?"
All I can say is "Huh?" I can tell you that in our shop, we are not very pushy and we don't often "upsell," but I can't imagine a restaurant owner being happy to read this! Mr. Caparoso contends that "most 200-seat restaurants have found that they need to work harder at keeping their average checks down, while continuing to increase the quality of their product and service."
By this "logic," one would expect the servers to be trained to highlight "Le Hamburger" instead of "Le Filet Mignon." As long as they're "down selling," how about steering customers clear of bottles of Dom Perignon in favor of a pitcher of Budweiser? That ought to do the trick quite handsomely!

I do agree with his assertion that "A 'great' wine list does not make a restaurant great." Look at how many places have gone down the tubes in the San Francisco Bay Area that have had wonderful wine lists but not outstanding food, service and value.

WAIT! Read on!

The September 2002 issue arrived and features an article by a Master Sommelier named Rob Bigelow. It's entitled THE ART AND SCIENCE OF UPSELLING.
I kid you not!
Mr. Bigelow has a short "course" entitled "Upselling 101," urging restaurateurs to "Know your products...Listen to your guests...Provide guests with more than one option at more than one price point...Observe the customers' reactions to your suggestions...and...Assess your guests' satisfaction with your recommendations while looking for further opportunities."    Mr. Bigelow, employed in Las Vegas, profiles some of his colleague's "upselling" techniques:
One fellow, nicknamed "Doctor" because he "sells by the book with surgical precision."
Another fellow, nicknamed "Crash," "...likes the backselling technique. He recommends wines under his guests' budget, making it much easier to sell a second bottle or upsell to a more expensive alternative."
The wine director at one establishment is nicknamed "Caligula." He "...believes visitors come to Las Vegas with expanded thirsts, appetites and budgets. He starts high and goes higher with his recommendations. His approach works."
A fellow dubbed the "Professor" is said to "assay his guests' jewelry to determine potential spending power but may, if he's really busy, diplomatically inquire about a guest's budget to expedite the selection process."
A "rising star" sommelier whose moniker is "The Phenom" is described as "a rising star." Bigelow writes "He can take guests from a $50 Chianti to a $1,000 Barolo before they know what hit them. He stresses the rarity and uniqueness of the better bottle, and his guests follow" according to the article.

I suggest visitors to Las Vegas ought to watch their wallets when dealing with these people!

HOW WINE IS SOLD (WINE MARKETING 101)
A SHORT COURSE

I frequently have trouble "connecting the dots" to explain how wine marketing people choose to sell wine. I'm sure you may have some suggestions to add to this list. Please send them to me.

1. WINE IS BEST WHEN SOLD TO PEOPLE WHO WANT IT THE LEAST.

Wine marketing people always want to target "the right people" as being "worthy" of drinking their fine product. Many times, "the right people" are not interested in buying or drinking those wines.

For example, we purchased a bottle of a new winery's first Chardonnay, tasted it, liked it, bought a few cases, sold them, bought some more, sold them and wanted to purchased additional cases. "No," we were told. "We have a five case maximum per account and you've already bought seven. We'll have another released next year."
Five months later they called to tell us they had "found" more wine and how many more would we like? Any amount. You see, they had been saving the wine for other accounts who had little interest or enthusiasm for the wine. We were so enthusiastic, they couldn't sell us any more for fear they'd run out of wine!

Wineries typical hold wine for "valued" accounts. "Valued accounts" means restaurants, despite the fact that wine is pretty much a sideline feature in about 95% of dining establishments. Shops such as ours, who SPECIALIZE IN WINE, are viewed as less desirable. For some reason, the marketing geniuses view us as competitors, rather than as their ambassadors.

Most marketing people grab a Zagat's Restaurant Guide, see the top restaurants in a particular locale, and demand of their sales people to get their wines on that dining establishment's wine list. They are all trying to cram into a small elevator. How much "prestige" does it add to their brand by having a few bottles of wine sold (or cooked with) by some fancy restaurant?

Many wine marketing people cannot sense the difference between "filling the pipeline" and actually generating sales and "turnover" of their products.

2. THE FARTHER AWAY FROM THE WINERY THEY CAN SELL THE WINE, THE MORE INTERESTING THE SALE.
This is almost universally true!
European winemakers LOVE to sell their wine to crazy people like us in California. It gives them a nice excuse to come for a visit. Plus, they can brag to all their friends that they sold wine to some outfit 6,000 miles away! Similarly, California wineries find selling a few boxes of wine to some distributor in Europe is far more intriguing than selling it to the locals who are begging them for wine. It gives the Californian vintner an excuse to test airport security and have a nice little junket.
On the other hand, I've seen many bottles of California wine on my excursions to Europe and can tell you there are numerous old, dusty, spoiled bottles of wine on display merely as "window dressing," not as a viable commercial product.

3. RESTAURANTS ARE THE BEST WAY TO "BUILD YOUR BRAND."
This notion may have held water (or wine) back in the "old days." In the "old days," dining out was a special experience. People would venture out to a restaurant for a special occasion and treat themselves to a bottle of wine. Maybe they'd be introduced to a wine that actually tasted good enough to buy again. Of course, in the "old days," there were about 20 wineries in total in Napa.
The idea was people would have a good experience with wine and even drain cleaner tasted pretty good when served in a locale where the kids are screaming, the phone isn't ringing with some telemarketing guy trying to sell you insurance, debt relief or a newspaper subscription and you don't have to attend to a barking dog.
Now restaurants have huge wine lists which can be updated on a computer between lunch and dinner. In the "old days," the list was printed once every few years and was a big, plastic laminated thing printed at the expense of the distributor or wine company who sold the wines to the dining establishment.
The wine marketing whizzes routinely demand their sales team (or, sales prevention technicians) sell 75-80% of the wine in restaurants, the meager 20-25% in stores. (Don't they realize most people dine at home 90% of the time? Why don't they want their wine on the table when someone is hosting a dinner party? Why don't they want their wine on the tables of those wine enthusiasts who visit our shop who are having a gathering of their gourmet group?)

4. RESTAURANTS DESERVE A BREAK, BUT CONSUMERS DON'T.
Wineries seem to bank at financial institutions that give them a special rate for payment written on checks from restaurants. We've seen the following examples recently: Stores are asked to pay $192 a case for Wine "A," while the restaurant price is $144. Wine "B" costs a store $132 a case, while a restaurant pays $96. Wine "C" goes for $154 to a shop, while a pizza parlor pays $108. Do dining establishments add that much value to the wine? Probably not. So, near as we can tell, some bank (someplace) must be cashing the checks for 125% (or so) of the face value of the check!

5. "IF A CONSUMER WANTS OUR WINE, THEY CAN CALL US AND BUY IT DIRECTLY."
Our shop has wines from all over the planet. Good wines, carefully selected with an eye towards quality. You can find wines here which are hard to find in their homeland (see Rule #2 above), but some local producers have the idea that having their wine in a store somehow sullies the luster of their brand. Therefore, once someone has tasted the wine at a friend's house or a restaurant, they'll be obliged to call the winery directly and maybe they'll be added to the waiting list of consumers hoping to buy a bottle of wine. This sales model may work in a few instances, but imagine if you went to the grocery store to buy produce for a salad. Except that the lettuce growers only sell directly, so you'll have to call each one separately to be able to build your salad. The tomato grower has also decided to sell directly, so tomatoes are no longer available in the store. The cucumber grower, seeing that his neighbor, the lettuce farmer, sells directly, now has stopped selling to the local market and uses UPS for shipments of cukes. If this were the case, perhaps people would stop preparing salads.
One customer told me "I'm now in the wine business. I like Chateau Wazoo's Pinot Noir, but they only sell it by the case. I don't like to drink it every day, so I have to find 5 friends to each buy a couple of bottles. I used to buy it from you, but they're not selling you the wine any longer."

6. FANCY RESTAURANTS ARE THE BEST PLACE TO SHOWCASE OUR WINE.
This is a tangential issue to Rules 1, 2, 3 & 4. What the marketing people don't know is how much wine a restaurant sells that never hits a wine glass! It's delivered in the front door and exits out the back. We get faxes from a couple of companies that sell wine on the secondary market, purchasing it at a premium price from restaurateurs and re-selling it to those who actually want it badly enough, they'll pay a premium price. It's kind of like those guys who are scalpers standing outside a stadium, offering tickets. Hopefully the tickets are not counterfeits!
Further points:

	We've noticed many restaurant wine lists feature wines that don't pair very well with the cuisine.
	Sometimes the restaurant mark-up is so high, a customer feels fleeced when buying the wine. (A local place asked $45 for a wine we had for $15. The same place has an Italian red for $38. Our customer wanted a case but couldn't believe he could buy the same wine for $8 a bottle AND get a case discount. --He said he felt badly because the restaurant had taken advantage of his ignorance. "I won't be back to dine there." he told us.--
	Not all wines sold "by the glass" are actually sold. Our colleague Ellen has asked restaurant servers to kindly bring the bottle to her table of the wine she ordered. On more than one occasion, the restaurant has featured a particular wine-by-the-glass, but poured her something else without alerting her to the substitution.
	Many restaurants don't have wine preservation systems and yet they'll pour a glass of (oxidized) wine from a bottle opened several days prior to your dining there.
	We've encountered stemware that's not properly cleaned and smells of the bleach used to sanitize the glass. (Few restaurants have a dishwasher system using hot water, so they are obliged to use a bleach rinse to ensure cleanliness. If the glass is not properly cleaned, you can be served a pour of Chateau Clorox.)
	Having rejected a corked bottle of "Chateau A," the Maitre d' brought the wine list to ask we order "something else," since he didn't feel the bottle we had rejected with the server was, indeed, flawed. We insisted he open a second bottle, which was in perfect condition. He poured the wine around the table, having the green light to do so. But he also asked for a taste (and never returned to say he found the two bottles to be different)!

7. PEOPLE NEED TO PAY A PREMIUM PRICE SO THEY KNOW THE WINE IS GOOD.
We've heard or read this on more than one occasion. Some vintners don't think you'd recognize the quality of the wine in their bottle if you haven't been asked to pay a king's ransom. We know some very good producers who tell us they have to actually "work" to sell